My wife told me the other day that the beginning of the New Year is the busiest time for online dating sites. While I never would have guessed that, it makes sense. The holidays are a time when people who are lonely feel it the most, and the New Year is the time when those same lonely people are thinking about what they would like to change about their lives. So with that in mind, I thought I might give a few simple pointers on how to have a more successful dating life.
Get yourself together.
I’m constantly surprised by how many people I meet who are so fixated on the idea of finding someone that they are blinded to their individual shortcomings. So before you set out to find a love interest, stop and evaluate where you are in life, what you have to offer someone else, and how you feel about yourself. If you don’t love yourself, good luck convincing someone else they should love you. Furthermore, if you are at a difficult phase in life or if you don’t have a ton to offer another person, you may be going about dating irresponsibly.
Consider this: First, learning to live alongside another person is always a challenging task. So if your life isn’t where it needs to be before you begin a relationship, starting a new relationship will most likely just complicate your life. Or more likely, you’ll use that new person to escape from your previous reality only to make matters worse than ever after the infatuation phase wears off. Secondly, you have to understand that the person you are with may unconsciously be attracted to what is broken about you, and then you begin your relationship enabling each other rather than bringing out the best in each other. It’s the same reason why AA recommends that you don’t begin relationships with other people in AA.
I know I just said it, but I’ll say it again: If you don’t love yourself, good luck convincing someone else s/he should love you. In the same way, the best way to convince someone else that you are worthy of his/her time is by believing it yourself. I believe this to be the most important variable because I’ve seen it time and time again. We’ve all experienced that guy who seems to be able to get all of the girls, not because he has a ton to offer, because his cockiness is mistaken for personality. When I was dating, I remember a few occasions where women who I wasn’t initially attracted to were so confident and bold that they would have me eating out of there hands within the first 10 minutes of the conversation. We unconsciously mirror each other. Others are more likely to walk away impressed by you if you had reason to be impressed with yourself before you initiated the conversation.
Make an impression.
This is where you get to be a little creative. The reason why making an impression is important is because it because it becomes that person’s association with you. The secret is it doesn’t have to be as much of a good impression as much as it should be a memorable impression. Ask a question or make a comment that reveals something interesting about you. Make sure that that impression is something that you are comfortable living up to. When all else fails, engage whomever you are speaking to by asking questions about his/her favorite topic: him/herself. Practice being an active listener, and you’ll show anyone that you are dating material.
I truly believe that the reason why I was able to find the love of my life at an early age was because of my dating philosophy. I knew that just because I could charm someone didn’t mean that I could get her to date me. That’s what my strategy was meet someone I was attracted to, see if there was any chemistry between us, and say “I like you. Do you think I could take you on a date sometime?” It usually worked well for me because she would see my directness as a sign of confidence. If it didn’t work, it was a lot easier than trying to spend all of my time, energy, and money trying to win someone over who was just too polite to say she wasn’t interested. I got sick and tired of watching my college friends get so emotionally invested with people who were never going to date them (or didn’t even know they existed), only to be crushed when those they were perusing made it known that they weren’t interested. If I was rejected, I moved on with less damage done to my ego. I found my way to my bride a lot quicker that way.
Now, of course finding a date is a lot simpler than keeping her/him around. That advice will have to come another day. In the mean time, meditate on these variables. As always, if there is anything that Music City Hypnotherapy can do to help you improve in this area, don’t hesitate to let me know.